from justben: What is your favorite thing about the place you're living today [Wishwood]? What is the hardest part for you?
My favorite things are 1) all the alone time I want, never interruptions, yay! that's number one. 2) Kanika is so happy to have few humans! way more calm and pleasant. 3) plenty of space for crafty parties 4) dishes that are dirtied by someone other than me are pretty rare. 5) LAND: I can plant things and garden! 6) TREES: my house is nestled in a little valley with tall trees all around and at night I can hear them rustle because it's so quiet 7) spare rooms: I haven't had many sleepovers or people crashing but it's so wonderful to be able to offer people a bed if they need/want. 8) the layout of my bedroom is perfect for me -- tons of light and a little nook just right for my sanctuary/altar, plus a ceiling fan, plus my desk fits perfectly in its corner and my bed fits perfectly in its corner and my memories box and letters case fits perfectly in another nook. When I have it tidy next I'll take photos. 9) I can use the giant basement room as a studio 10) it has a fireplace 11) it has a covered front porch 12) it has a back porch secluded enough that I can go out there naked 13) I get to decorate and organize everything however I want it.
The hardest part is the location. It's 20 minutes to anywhere useful and 50 minutes to the city and even longer to friends' houses in the city. This means that going out is more difficult to arrange and motivate for, and people are less likely to visit. Ideally I'd have company at least every other week; I really like spending time with people in my space, but when it is such an investment of time and gas money I know most people can't do it.from topaznebula: Summarize/describe your relationship with Xena Warrior Princess, and why you like it, and why it's important to you.
I'm now on my 5th cycle of watching Xena. I came to it late, having not had TV for any part of my life -- I think I watched it for the first time about six years ago. It's hands-down my favorite show of all time. Before watching it I remember hearing lesbian buzz and being annoyed, because not every friendship is about sex, and it's totally possible to have a non-sexual super-intimate friendship. But then I saw it, with all the innuendo and kisses and love-confessions and agreed -- it's a queer love story. A queer poly love story, even (they're vulva-monogamous but sleep with men without it really impacting their relationship). It passes the bechdel test with flying colors and it includes a trans woman with RESPECT which frankly I have never seen done on a TV show (unless I'm forgetting something, but I think I'd remember) -- only a side character but still, wonderful. It includes a variety of races (more than most tv shows). It has its problems, messing with various mythologies (to what levels of inaccuracy I do not know) but better than other US shows, I'd say. At the end of one episode there is a sidebar where they explain that their referencing to the Hindu faith was intended with respect, which makes me think that maybe they failed on the respect and got called to task, I dunno. I really like what they did with the Christian myths and with ancient Greek deities. I really love the complexity of magics Xena uses. I love Gabrielle's character development; from brave but naive and helpless to understanding, independent, and powerful.
I can identify really strongly with Xena (and Gabrielle, but differently and not as much because Gabrielle is way sweeter than me (oh and Callisto too)). Had I been put in Xena's shoes I feel like I would have followed the same path. Minus the flashbacks, the series is about Xena learning to feel and to show love, to be vulnerable and not hide behind a sword OR put the sword away because zir resistance to evil was 'too militant' for most 'good' people. I did the same, more slowly, because I didn't find Gabrielle until long after I started trying to do that. But the biggest reason it is important to me is that it is a positive love story about two women, working through shit in a real relationship, and neither gets murdered by the writer or flakes out to be hetero (at least, not for good). Queers don't get happy endings on screen! they don't get to deal with stuff like "trust me to take care of myself" or "trust me to still love you while I also fall in love with others" or "your dreams are more important than us being together right now" because all they get to deal with is being out (or not) and how society reacts to them. I'm fucking sick of that narrative. If I never watch another "gay girl falls for seemingly-straight girl, angst sex (male-gaze) sex angst, gay girl gets murdered or dumped" film again it will be too soon.from rmpenguino: What makes you unique? How different is your perception of yourself versus what you end up being?
Nothing? everything? One thing that makes me unique is how I value imperfection: I can see when things need to change, and work to change them, without needing to strive for perfection or reject everything but the best. I can, for instance, work to reduce waste without feeling guilty when I don't live up to that. Unbalanced sense of human responsibility would be saying stuff like "well I can't fix the whole world so I'm just going to throw my cigarette butt or water bottle on the ground with these others." I think that comes from fear of self-loathing; they do not want to commit to a value that they cannot do perfectly because they would hate themselves for failing. I am okay with failure; it is the effort that matters to me. I don't ask "what would fix this?" I ask "how can I make this better?" (I was thinking that imperfection is a core value of mine and yep, I'm just went and added that) I don't think my perception of myself is very different from reality; at least, people who know me well don't describe me as different than I see myself. I think that I differ from many people's perceptions but that this is a result of them seeing me wrong. People think I am more prickly and angry and less forgiving than I am. People think I am more judgmental than I am (I have the skill of withholding judgment and asking first, to find out from that person if how I feel is right or not). People think I am less social than I am (I think this is mainly because they don't see me socialize in the same ways). People also think I'm 'feminine' and 'sweet' and into peace, which is waaaaay untrue. I value creative conflict, not peace -- peace is an illusion that cannot exist in a world of change, so all you can do is make better things with conflict. People think I am a better person than I am, because they don't understand how often I fuck up. I have a clear vision and dedicated values, but I do not live up to ANY of them perfectly or even near-perfectly.
Trying to stay calm. My sister just texted me that because Arias grades aren't good, there may be no trip.
Let's just say I'm extremely angry. What the fuck am I supposed to do about the $600 plane tickets? The roller derby tickets? The brunch reservations? The time off work?
Breathing breathing breathing.
I went to make myself tea this morning. I went through the usual steps to start the water heating, but then I noticed that there was no sugar. I was briefly irritated, but I did still have some agave nectar, so I figured I'd just use that.
A few minutes later, the water boiled, and I poured some into the cup with the infuser. Three minutes later, I go to take the infuser out of the cup and notice that the tea looks really
weak. Definitely brown, but a lot paler than I'm used to. "What the hell?" I think.
Then I look at the infuser. There's no tea in it.
What are your core values? I would love to know. I figured out a trick for learning what they are: you get really upset when someone else does something that violates them, and feel deep regret if you violate them. Thus, I might like being vegetarian, but if it wouldn't make me feel regret to eat meat, then refraining from eating it is not a core value of mine. Considering it this way, I have come up with my core values:Equality.
I know this to be a core value because nothing upsets me more than the enactment of the idea that hierarchy is good or necessary; that's disrespect on a grand scale. Beyond the visceral reaction, I act to dismantle/resist oppressive structures around me and work to uproot all of the hierarchies implanted in my brain by society. It is imperative to me that I die having demolished some structures of inequality, even if I am only successful within my own brain. Unquestioned privilege is a great enemy of equality so I attempt to question my privilege as much as possible.Respect.
This one is closely tied to the first, but is more micro-scale. I define respect as: being careful not to manipulate the will of others and being careful not to hurt others, whether deliberately or through carelessness. This means only leading, touching, or otherwise intruding upon people if they have consented to it, and learning about people who are different from you so that you do not unintentionally insult or hurt others.Reverence/wonder.
I have put these together because I experience them in the same way. For me, all things (living or non-living) have feelings, and all things are important and magnificent if you consider them carefully. I feel a terrible shock and revulsion when someone reacts to wonder with a shut-it-down attitude (for example, a child sees an oil slick and says "look how pretty!" to their parent and their parent says something in a dismissive tone). Approaching all things with wonder and reverence -- treating them as if they are
magic and as if they are
alive (whether you believe it or not) -- is extremely important to me. Part of this is having a personal relationship with things I own, especially things I use daily. I do not want to have two items that serve the same purpose, unless I often need more than one of them at a time; thus I have one coat, one jacket, one pair of shoes (and a pair I wear only at interviews), one pair of sunglasses, one pair of glasses, etc. Another part of this is not harming any living thing any more than necessary for survival (though I am hypocritical about this and will use anti-bacterial and/or anti-viral chemicals for cleaning or medicine).Connection/compassion.
I see all parts of the universe(s) as one being, and the truest expression of that being as empathy. I feel this as the purpose of all life, and those top three I listed because they are the methods to this one. I feel equality, respect, and reverence/wonder are the values necessary for connection. I have seen inequality, disrespect, and irreverence destroy possibility of connection in spiritual, social, ecological, and other ways. Ways of honoring connection are important to me and I value them even when they are not ones I would want to do or feel capable of such as climbing a mountain or having sex with a stranger (did it once, that was enough). Refusing to attempt to empathize is deeply upsetting to me as a violation of this value.---
And these are my secondary values, deeply important to me but not to the level that I am automatically repulsed by people who violate them:Creativity.
By this I don't mean being an artist: I mean creating. Taking some part of yourself and sharing it with the world; taking some fallow bit of the universe and making it sprout. I feel deeply upset when anyone disparages someone else's creation as inferior. Creation in and of itself is sacred. Whether you make macaroni necklaces or carve marble or decorate your notebook or whatever, it all matters.Growth/change.
I need to be able to look back on my life and see that I have become more of the me that I want to be. I am upset when people suggest that I should not concern myself with deliberate change (especially of my mind), should return to a former version of myself, or should alter my growth pattern to suit them. I 100% disagree with the statement "people don't change." This is an important value of mine because no matter what I might have accomplished, if I did not grow and change during the process, I would consider that part of my life wasted.Honesty.
I cannot stand lies, not from me or other people. Not in words or silence or deeds. I will not pretend to like someone who damages me on purpose, even if that would allow me to escape damage. I do not think it is acceptable to be silent when I know that my silence will be taken to mean something other than the truth (though I will hypocritically do this if I feel endangered).Transparency/openness.
I value the free flow of sharing and loathe when things are cloaked. I feel betrayed when I learn that people I feel close to have kept something hidden from me, even if they didn't make me think something untrue. I feel smothered and shrunk when I cannot share freely, and good when I can, even if I feel ashamed of the thing I am sharing. I feel disconnected and unloved when people do not share freely with me, and honored and loved when people do share freely with me.Curiosity/questioning.
Asking questions is a sacred value of mine, and I am hurt when people do not show curiosity towards me. (however, I recognize that the 'showing' is a kind of openness and there may be curiosity with no evidence for me to see) I am deeply upset when people squelch curiosity, especially of children. Part of this value is critical analysis: not just absorbing information but engaging with it, dismantling it and rebuilding it as one's own unique understanding.Thoroughness.
This is one I only learned I had after I kept getting upset that others didn't have it. Once I realized it was a clash of values I was much more accepting. I value doing things carefully and fully. This can be a hindrance and it is incompatible with values like easygoingness (there's got to be a better word for that but I can't think of it). Tidiness falls in here (I also don't live up to my own value in this way sometimes).Imperfection/action.
I do not ask "what would fix this?" but instead "how can I make this better?" I allow myself to fail at my own values without judging myself; I just look at the instance and try to learn how to avoid it next time. I do not strive for perfection or reject any but the best, but instead take action. When people do not have this value they do things like say "well I can't fix the whole world so I'm just going to throw my cigarette butt or water bottle on the ground like everyone else." I think that comes from fear of self-loathing; they do not want to commit to a value that they cannot do perfectly because they would hate themselves for failing. I am okay with failure; it is the effort that matters to me. I want to take imperfect actions.
(written for LJ Idol's topic 0
A few more fun books to add to my list so far this year.
5. "Beauty and the Werewolf" by Mercedes Lackey (Tales of the 500 Kingdoms, Book 6) - KE, 413 pgs
4. "The Sleeping Beauty" by Mercedes Lackey (Tales of the 500 Kingdoms, Book 5) - KE, 412 pgs
3. "Seraphina" by Rachel Hartman - KE, 381 pages
2. "Stravaganza: City of Masks" by Mary Hoffman (Book 1) - KE, 352 pages
1. "The Snow Queen" by Mercedes Lackey (Tales of the 500 Kingdoms, Book 4) - KE, 419 pages
Topaz's prompt for today
: What are the 3 most spiritual experiences you've ever had... excluding interactions with trees. (But plz link back to posts about spiritual interactions with trees in the post)
Oh good Godde. I can't possibly do the 'most' because my memory is so shit (and I wouldn't have a clue how to sort them), so I'll tell the first three that come to mind.
When I was 15, I was deeply depressed, and I prayed every day, many times per day, to God to let me die. I didn't feel like it was okay to kill myself (I was very religious) but I didn't want to live; living was torture. I was sent to a christian summer camp and while I was there, I cried a lot and spent a lot of time alone talking to God and wanting to die, feeling completely irrelevant and unseen. At one point after crying for a while I went and stood next to a stone wall, looking over it at water and just feeling empty, when suddenly I felt love flow over me from head to toe like a slow waterfall of warm honey. I was stunned and changed, because it was a tangible feeling of love and for the first time I can remember, I knew I was loved, genuinely and freely. It only lasted about a minute, but it was so real, and there was no other explanation for it than spiritual -- it was and still is the most unambiguously externally-initiated spiritual experience I've ever had. I've never felt anything like it before or since.
And, well, the next that comes to mind is this time when I was about 10 I think, and I was playing in a riverbed next to a covered bridge. I was barefoot (as I was most times back then) and clambering around, imagining worlds in the moss and loving the play of water over rocks. I went to take a step into a crevice and very clearly 'heard' (not with my ears) "no, don't step there" but I had already been trained not to listen, and so I stepped, and nearly sliced off a toe on the bottom or a broken bottle. As my parents rushed me to the hospital, I was euphoric, feeling that God had spoken to me for the first time in my life. Now, I am not so sure it was God -- I think it was more likely the river itself, which I had just been communing with and was very open to, or simply my intuition. Either way, that experience showed me that it was possible to get knowledge from non-physical sources. However it was about 15 years after that before I 'heard' any word-like impressions again.
This isn't one particular experience, but the next set that comes to mind is various concerts, over the years. And at the same time, church. With church it was when music played and I danced that I felt connection to all beings, to Godde, to beauty. I almost always danced. Sometimes it felt like my body was moving on its own. I'd have bursts of clarity and feel resonance of love. At some concerts, I felt the same thing. The Benjamin Gate (many years ago), Bat for Lashes, Beats Antique, Massive Attack, CocoRosie, and Zoe Keating have all been that for me. I'll feel the music move into my body and flow through my veins, I'll dance and breathe the music. I'll get overwhelmed and cry or shiver as a line slides down my spine. Other artists I like don't necessarily give me that -- it has to be an artist that makes music with spiritual meaning to me. Noe Venable has given me this
with music even not-live, which is almost unheard of and is the reason why I feel a need (more than a desire) to see zir perform live.
I really want to watch the new episode of NHL Revealed but it's not available to stream on the CBC website. Boo.
Soooo that I guess leads into Lenten disciplines? Ha. I've been struggling to come up with something specific and concrete to undertake.
My first big thought was to read St. Augustine's Confessions which I started and never finished. My other thought is St. Francis de Sales's Introduction to the Devout Life which I have read but never in order so I can't be sure I've actually read the whole thing. A third thought, the Imitation of Christ which I have read in its entirety and in order, but before I became Catholic, so we're talking almost ten years ago, my goodness. A fourth thought, the Interior Castle, ditto ditto.
Too many thoughts? Probably.
As a family, we're giving up meat on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. This is going to be tough for me because lately I've just been really burned out on cooking. Just struggling with all aspects of it--meal planning, shopping, preparing. Usually this is one of the few homemaking tasks I enjoy so that's been a real bummer. I've even stopped reading cookbooks and food blogs, that's how not into cooking I am right now. Not being myself.
Rather than giving up a specific thing (other than the meat thing) I'm trying to focus on stopping eating when I am satisfied rather than full, if that distinction makes sense. Taking small portions and getting seconds only if ACTUALLY still hungry.
It's part of a larger focus I am trying to make on not doing things mindlessly and being present. Reducing screen time is going to be a part of this also but I am trying to draw up a reasonable guideline for myself and finding it hard. Last Lent (IIRC) the most difficult part of giving up screen time for myself was not getting instant gratification on minor curiosities. Example: I'm waiting for a bus by a store with an sign in its window advertising a sale on "propolis tinctures". What's propolis? I think. Smartphone out, Google, and within 30 seconds, I'm reading about it on Wikipedia. Before I attempted a screen fast, I had no IDEA how much I was doing that kind of thing, and how maddening it would be not to scratch that curiosity itch when it arose. Compared to that, giving up on checking Facebook, reading blogs etc was nothing.
But. I know that I do need to rein in the media use. Because within the last week I've heard the phrase I dreaded hearing from my two year old: "Mommy, put away your phone please?"
Yes, I'd like to order the motivating and proportionate guilt, but could you hold the crippling embarrassment and shame please? Oh, you can't? Well. I guess I'll try to scrape it off then.
I think part of the answer is going to lie in getting myself real, soul-satisfying breaks during the day, so that I stop trying to take unsatisfying fake ones via a quick absorption in my phone (or whatever). Some salvation may be at hand because Pippa has recently flipped some kind of development switch and suddenly can FOCUS, at least some of the time. She has a puzzle book with six six-piece puzzles in it. She will sit with this book, take the pieces out of the first puzzle and put it back together, turn the page, do the next puzzle, and so on, until she's finished the entire book.
Today at the playroom she was trying to sort a bunch of rubber dinosaurs by color onto some colored plates, and she kept crying because younger kids would come by and try to snatch things away. Weird experience. For the first time, I was the mom of the older kid whose careful, focused play was being disturbed by an anarchic and impulsive younger kid, instead of the other way around.
Anyway. If I can turn some of this quiet play into an actual break for myself, then I'll be more able to be present the rest of the time.
She's definitely a new generation kid though. Have tried to explain many times that I need a break. When I said I needed to "recharge, like the iPad", then she seemed to get it. Should I be amused or ashamed? I'm gonna go with amused, I have enough guilt to grapple with.
- listening to:Lusine - Two Dots
Mood better. Helped with enthusiastic toy time.
Anyone else watch Those Who Kill with Chloe Sveginy(sp)? It's weird. And maybe too scary for me :(
Henry is in a terrible mood. We were all cuddling together and she turned around and snake bit me, then attacked Stripey a few minutes later. Now she's sleeping on the other couch. I think I missed some big cues, but what? Can cats glare? I think she's glaring at me. :(
I wanted to be at least a little open with what's up, since it's informing how I'm making a lot of decisions right now. I'm not sure what to do about the overall situation until I get clearer testing on some stuff. But I wanted people to be aware at least that there are reasons that I am making the calls I am making, and they are not reasons like "I hate you/your game/your party" unless I actually go out of my way to say otherwise.( Read more...Collapse )
So, I spend a lot of time writing at the library because it is close to work and has wi-fi to distract me....er, I mean google to facilitate my research (coff coff), and there is this lady that is here most mornings. I see her quite often at the table across from me and I have often imagined she might be a writer. She is scholarly, nicely dressed and well groomed, fairly serious but pleasant and clearly intellectual, with the kind of glasses that make you look even smarter than you are. She conducts research in heavy leather bound volumes, remains focused despite the lure of the internet, pauses to ponder what are clearly deeply philosophical conundrums and probably can turn a pretty phrase faster than Emily Dickenson. She has a spreadsheet, and post it notes, diagrams and outlines (“circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back….”), and she sits in literary silence, where she types serenely, composes thoughtfully and apparently does not tear her hair, gnash her teeth or rend her garments in the search for perfect metaphors and elusive descriptives. I peeked over her shoulder yesterday when I passed behind her and I am pretty sure she is probably writing the Great. American. Novel.
I on the other hand, arrive at the library with a sticker emblazoned, battered laptop, licorice bears and cheddar bunnies hidden in my purse, and my headphones tuned to Abney Park, Eric Bazilian and Frenchy and the Punk. I open my computer bag to a rush of trapped Starbucks scented air, spend forty minutes leaving smart aleck comments on Facebook before I get around to opening the current manuscript file, buy all my flash drives in bright jewel toned colors (and then lose them), scrawl bits of dialogue on the backs of my hands while driving (lest I forget them), and dress pretty much as one might expect with Steam punk, Stevie Nicks, Jane Austen and the lead singer from Coldplay as style icons. I am scattered. I am disorganized. I am colorful and erratic and ecstatically creative… I have also written eight novels, a novel length web serial, two one act plays, a novella, several short stories and the proverbial “rowth o’ rhymes” since 2010.
In the words of Robert Burns: “good workmen never quarrel with their tools.”
So good morning, elegant, intellectual, nice writer lady! I wish you luck in all your endeavors… but I will never be like you.
Now excuse me, dear, while I go paint colors on the sky.
So uh... I haven't updated for over a month.
Well. I turned 28. And we took a 2 week "staycation" thanks to the Inspiration Pass
, which is a public library program here where you get free admissions to a lot of local attractions. I was on a wait list for a LONG time (like, 18 months) but I finally got it.
Welp just had to take a break to be depressed because I boiled dry my beloved kettle and probably wrecked it. This is the problem with opening the whistle valve so you don't wake up your sleeping children. You forget the thing is on.
Anyway.( Attraction ratings for what we saw.Collapse )
This doesn't feel like a whole entry but I better press post or another month will go by without me doing anything.
- listening to:Netsky - Your Way
A few things that I think would be good for me, and others, to remember more often:
Someone who isn't willing to lose anything can change nothing.
—Armin Arlert, Attack on Titan
Anger is never the first emotion.
—Dr. Arne Liss
wasn't about to make it easy on me with today's prompt
: What do you hope your life will look like in 10 years (in terms of relationship(s), personal development, job, location, general lifestyle, etc.)?
I'm gonna use your categories.
I would like to have continued intimacy practice with whomever is interested for all of those years. (Holy shit. The very first one was January 30, 2012, so we've been doing this for more than two years already. that needs a post in and of itself) I want to have at least one lover, but I don't care what number of people it is as long as I don't feel restricted (I don't need multiple romantic relationships to feel satisfied all
the time, but I need the option, because sometimes I do!). I want to have at least 8 local people who read my journal and who I am close with, see at least once a month, stay in contact with through the internet and/or texting, cuddle with sometimes, meet for coffee/food/hangouts sometimes, etc. Ideally I would maintain all the connections I have now and add new ones on top, but I understand that life's flow is unpredictable so I don't count on that. I know I'll still love all these people
but I dunno if we'll be in contact or if they'll be in the same location or what. My concept of tribe involves having a close group like that and having them know and care about each other as well. I want to have thriving friendships that are based mainly in LJ, because that is deeply nourishing to me.
I want to maintain my livejournal. I want to catch up and maintain a life timeline (my current big creative project). I want to feel continuously creative and I want to have done LOTS of art over those 10 years. I want to have written at least 200 entries a year. I want to have taken at least 500 photos that I'm proud of every year. I want to have inspired people to love themselves, express themselves, educate themselves, create, connect, grow, and feel deeply. I want to have visited every park within a 45 minute radius of my house and found lots of magical places. I want to have had lots of friends come and visit me. I want to have had hundreds of crafty parties and have so many of my own projects showing around my home. I want to have at least 8 of my tattoos on me. I want to have a more vibrant spiritual practice, with ritual factoring into my life in a much more prominent way than it does now. I want to be approximately 5 times as privilege-checked as I am now, and have learned a great deal.
I want to finish college and get a job doing statistics. After I have worked off some debt, maybe grad school followed by being a professor, or maybe I'll do stats for the rest of forever, because I'd likely make more money and I could support the activist work and/or living needs of others. I don't have a clear picture of how much money I could make, just that it will be more than I need to live on. If it turns out to be more than twice what I need to live on, I would probably feel that my time would be better spent making money to support other activists than in quitting stats to make academic activism my day job. (more on this topic when I discuss my attitudes about money in a later prompt)
I hope to have lived in a few different places, a year here and a year there, but I want to be in the Atlanta metro area in 10 years time. If I have enough money, I want to have a wheelchair-accessible house near where Freeflow was because that is my favorite area both people-wise and location-wise -- it's in the middle of all the places I care about. It's not too far from where the Marta buses go so it's okay for people without cars... it's just perfect and I miss that area a lot. If I have lots of money I also want at least a half-acre for backyard farming, oh and while dreaming, a pool. I'd have so many naked pool parties.
I want to have a hybrid or electric vehicle (I think the used ones should be fairly cheap by then? let's hope). I want to have solar power for my house. I want to have a large greenhouse. Other than that I think I'll live pretty much the same. Oh wait, also I would buy REAL FUCKING BOOKSHELVES. I have a motley collection and all my books are stacked vertically and I still don't have enough space. I'd buy more books too. That would be my luxury spending for sure. Also craft supplies! I would have every tool imaginable so people could come and use them and make ANYTHING. Ideally, if I could afford it, the entire lowest level of my house would be craft space and a library and I would let people come over anytime to craft or read as long as they didn't interact with me without planning it first. I'd give keys to anyone I trusted for this purpose. Technically I sorta have this now but I live too far out for it to be practical. I'd like to live alone but a close second is to live with people I love and trust who give me lots of space. I want very much to have extra space that I can lend to people who need it (I have that now but it's still too far out to be practical), and maybe even a car I can lend to people who need it (maybe my current car will still be running fine?).
I miss you, little bro. You should see what we built in Minecraft! You would have loved it. We built a checkerboard and a "Hit the Target" archery game. Tiffany rebuilt your dirt house from my world and connected it to your house, too. She helped me create a sign above your house to welcome everyone to your funland. We need some more ideas for games to play. We were thinking of making a maze with creepers in it and a way to shoot them from above the maze, maybe a minecart track. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what you think. I wish you hadn't left us. I don't need to ask you why, I just want to know why you didn't talk to me? Why couldn't you call me and tell me you were having those thoughts? Why didn't you think that I could help you? If I couldn't understand, I would have made you call Va. Surely you could tell him, even if telling me was too hard or embarassing? It's over and done with now. I can't change things, I know, but I feel so lost and helpless. I need to feel like I have some control over my life. I can't just let myself get washed away in the tide. You cheated. You took a short cut. It's not that easy for me. I have two dogs and a little girl who need and depend on me. I keep reminding myself that you're really gone... I have to because my mind doesn't want to believe it. I have to count when I pick up food for everyone because I still try to buy food for you. I always try to look for you in your room, but you're never there. Dad calls for you still. It's annoying and sad at the same time. We know you're not going to answer. It just makes it harder to believe that you're gone. I love you so much. Sometimes I think I can hear you. I even know what you would say to some things. But then, you would say something totally off-the-wall and random and surprise me. I need you here to make me laugh. My life has no comedy relief anymore an it's that much more gray without you.
Pay-what-you-want tarot readings!
suggested payment £5
Please tell your friends!
♥ I've been reading tarot for over ten years. I use a Universal Waite deck. You can see some of my mini-readings I do regularly for myself here
☆ If you'd like a reading, please email your situation/problem to curiositykate at gmail dot com, which is also my paypal address. If you have a specific spread in mind, let me know, otherwise I will pick a spread that I think is suited to your situation. I will send your reading to you by email, with a photo of your cards and a detailed analysis of them.
★ If you don't have a specific situation you'd like guidance on, but just want a general reading, that's cool too! Just tell me a little bit about yourself and the main things in your life, unless I already know you pretty well.
☆ If you read tarot yourself but would like my opinion on your reading, I can do that too! Email your spread to the address above.
★ 'Pay what you want' does include paying nothing! If you're broke or in a really bad situation, I will read your cards for free!
☆ If I have read your cards for you before, please comment here with a testimonial for me!